She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
