Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am naked and annoyed.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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