I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
