haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
