She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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