Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize