he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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