i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize