People in love make me want to vomit
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
