im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
