I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
