So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
