Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
