I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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