We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't turn off my feet"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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