glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
