you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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