I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
