My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i need some magic done to my vagina
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
