Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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