i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
