he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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