My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
