4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize