i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
