I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
