don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize