I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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