dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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