my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
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