All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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