she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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