it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
