I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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