i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
