i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
