What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
