Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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