u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
