we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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