Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
