My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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