My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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