Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
