we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
