you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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