Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The air was thick with penises
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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