someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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