I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
