Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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