I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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