guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
