Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
