$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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