My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude. I can hear the air.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
