Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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