I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
