I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
As shirtless as possible
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
