I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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