Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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