already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
