Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
