Where did you get a picture of my penis
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
